Thursday, May 27, 2010

My sister Clare

16 years ago today, my oldest sister Clare lost her battle with (non smokers) lung cancer. She was 41 years old, and left behind a husband, an 11 yr old son, and an 8 year old daughter. At the time I was single and 28, and while I mourned for them and me, I had no idea what it meant to be a parent. Of course I knew my parents were sad, this was their firstborn, and even though they had 8 others, one child cannot replace another. It wasn't until Sophie was born that I had a tiny glimpse of how they must have felt. And still do feel, it's not something you ever get over. It gets easier, but it is always there.

Clare died 3 weeks after Carly's First Communion. That was on my mind a lot earlier this month as I prepared for Sophie's. What must she have been feeling, sewing Carly's dress, and making all the last minute preparation, all the while feeling horrible? Of course, we didn't know had badly she was feeling until a few weeks later, when she went into the hospital for the last time. True to form, she pressed on, trying to make everything right for her family. At the time, I didn't get that; now I do. She was a mother and the well being of her children came first.

I have so many memories of that last hospital stay, sleeping in those ridiculous chairs each night with Mary, trying to get comfortable and get the blanket around us, without having the chair snap shut on us. That little thing made us laugh, which was a relief from the reality of the situation. My other siblings and their husbands, wives and fiances arriving, one by one, and the memories we got to share before she left us. My brother Tom "getting in touch with his feminine side" by wearing her peach sweater because it was so cold in the hospital room. It sounds strange, but her death was peaceful, surrounded by her husband Tom, her parents, and all 8 of us. In that room I learned not to fear death; that it could be peaceful, and that it could be a release from suffering.

Life goes on, of course. And everyone deals with grief in their own way. My dad spent that summer putting a bay window in the kitchen of my parent's home. My mom spent a lot of time in Jonesboro, cooking for Tom and the kids, and trying to keep their life as normal as possible. I remember going to daily Mass a lot, it was a comfort to me, and I had my friends to lean on. My own family never knew Clare, I met Terry about 2 years after she died, and of course my kids only know her from photos. Emily has her middle name, and I like that. Every time I have to call her by her full name, I smile, knowing that her namesake was just as spunky. Probably never a rule breaker like Emily, but certainly full of ambitions and dreams.

Frank and Carly are now young adults and it makes me proud to see all they have accomplished. I can see so much of her in them, and it never ceases to amaze me. Frank was recently engaged and I look forward to sharing that special day with him. Carly just graduated from college and is starting out on a new path as well. I don't get to see them as often as I would like, but when I do, it is like time never passed.

This morning after swim team I got out these old pictures and the kids were enthralled when I told them the stories behind them. Sophie is old enough to have some grasp of death, but sweet Michael asked me incredulously, "You mean she's dead, and she'll be dead forever?? Oh NO!" Nothing like a child's innocence to cut right to the heart of the matter.

These pictures are just some of the happy times of her life, they made me smile, and I hope they make you smile too.

From left: Clare, Mary, Peg and me. This photo wasn't dated, but I look to be about 2 years old, which would make Peg 11, Mary 12 and Clare 14. I'm betting this was Easter Sunday, we were living in Pompton Plains, NJ at the time.



Again this photo is also undated, but if Michael was about a year old, then I was 7, which would make my brother Bill (far right)10, and Clare would be 19. The year would be around 1972. I do remember driving down to Glassboro with my parents to take her to college. I thought going away to college was so glamorous. Years later when I was away at school and she was a young mother with 2 toddlers she wrote me often, sent a few dollars, pictures from the kids and cookies whenever she got the chance.



Dancing with our father at her wedding to Tom Aquino, February 24, 1979. I remember so many details about that day vividly. The fact that it was sleeting, and the reception hall had antlers on one wall, which turned out to be right above she and Tom in the family photo that was taken. My 3 sisters and all their very large hair....and me in my braces and huge glasses walking down the aisle at Holy Spirit in our rose dresses that they had made by hand. The arguments between us about the fabric and pattern choices. And we did it all again 3 years later when Mary got married.

I'm not sure if this was taken in NJ or GA, seems like it would be GA. Carly looks about 5, which would make Frank 10. Probably about 1991. Tom and Clare moved down to Jonesboro when Tom changed jobs. It was nice to have them closer, just an hour away from my parents and me.


This was is definitely in Ga, it's dated February 1993. We were at one of Frank's basketball games, and Peg and I had made signs on grocery bags saying GO FRANK!!, anything to gain attention. I think Clare was trying to start the wave in this picture. She had been diagnosed already and was going through treatment, but this must have been during remission. I love the smile on her face.


This is one of my all time favorite pictures of her and Carly. This is at Car's First Communion, and now I know what this day meant to Clare. So many emotions, and more so given what was going on with her. I remember helping her plan the party, and going into Publix a week or so before to order the tray of cannolis. She was adamant that they be authentic...or as authentic a cannoli that you can get in Jonesboro, GA. The dress she made for Carly was a labor of love. My mother recently told me how she changed the pattern the way she wanted it, and added details that weren't originally there.

Now that I am a wife and mother, and now that I am in my 40's, I understand so much more. At 28, someone who was 41 seemed to have lived a life already. Now I know that her life was well lived, but it was not long enough.

Sunday, May 09, 2010

Sophie's First Communion

Yesterday was a wonderful day. So many times you can be disappointed with a day that you have been looking forward to for a long time. There was none of that yesterday...at all. From the moving Mass where Sophie received Jesus for the first time, to the party afterward; it was a truly wonderful day.

I found myself worrying about the details in the days leading up to it, that is typical for me. I stayed up late on Friday night to make sure all the little things were taken care of. Mary was here helping me, and I could not have pulled it off without her. Or without Terry. He is not only incredibly helpful in so many ways, but he is always there to reassure me and calm me down when I start to panic. He can see the big picture so much better than I can at times.

So many people were able to be with us and make the day extra special. Even Sophie's teacher came, which honestly, was the highlight of the guest list for her. It is all she talked about in the days leading up Saturday, and it even inspired her to keep her room clean. It goes to show what an influence a child's teacher can have on them. Knowing that her teacher is Catholic and knew all about First Communion had a huge impact on her understanding of the sacrament, and how universal it is. Thank you Miss McDonald!


Our friend and neighbor Rick did us an invaluable service by coming over at 8:45am to take family photos before we left for Mass. I cannot tell you what a gift this was! It totally put my mind at ease about having to try and take pictures myself, because I knew Rick got some great shots. Here's some of his work:


With me and Aunt Mary, who is Sophie's Godmother.



Below is my absolute favorite of the day, and ironically enough, it was the first photo he snapped of Sophie.

And some of my pictures taken after we got home. Note the difference!

Our great friends and neighbors Sylvia and Michel had a table for 4 with Michael and Emily.


Their son Colby is a great friend to Sophie. He also made his First Communion yesterday, and had the honor of bringing up the gifts. He did so well and looked so handsome in his jacket and tie, it brought a tear to my eye. And yes, I did get choked up presenting Sophie to Fr. Peter, Terry and I both were wiping our eyes as she received.


Sophie and her best bud Noah. He sat through the entire Mass with his mom, and was so excited to see her, it was very sweet. So glad they have remained so close all these years.

With Grandpa and Grandma Maier. My mother was a Eucharistic Minister during the Mass, which gave her a great view as each child came up to receive with their parents.

With the Gould family. Uncle Jack and Aunt Karen came home early from FL to make sure they didn't miss it. We are glad to have them back in Atlanta!

And lastly, my apologies to my mother in law Pam. She made the very early start from Peachtree City to be with us for the day, and I did not get a decent picture of her with Sophie. I am hoping she has a shot on her camera that is decent.