My sister Clare

16 years ago today, my oldest sister Clare lost her battle with (non smokers) lung cancer. She was 41 years old, and left behind a husband, an 11 yr old son, and an 8 year old daughter. At the time I was single and 28, and while I mourned for them and me, I had no idea what it meant to be a parent. Of course I knew my parents were sad, this was their firstborn, and even though they had 8 others, one child cannot replace another. It wasn't until Sophie was born that I had a tiny glimpse of how they must have felt. And still do feel, it's not something you ever get over. It gets easier, but it is always there.

Clare died 3 weeks after Carly's First Communion. That was on my mind a lot earlier this month as I prepared for Sophie's. What must she have been feeling, sewing Carly's dress, and making all the last minute preparation, all the while feeling horrible? Of course, we didn't know had badly she was feeling until a few weeks later, when she went into the hospital for the last time. True to form, she pressed on, trying to make everything right for her family. At the time, I didn't get that; now I do. She was a mother and the well being of her children came first.

I have so many memories of that last hospital stay, sleeping in those ridiculous chairs each night with Mary, trying to get comfortable and get the blanket around us, without having the chair snap shut on us. That little thing made us laugh, which was a relief from the reality of the situation. My other siblings and their husbands, wives and fiances arriving, one by one, and the memories we got to share before she left us. My brother Tom "getting in touch with his feminine side" by wearing her peach sweater because it was so cold in the hospital room. It sounds strange, but her death was peaceful, surrounded by her husband Tom, her parents, and all 8 of us. In that room I learned not to fear death; that it could be peaceful, and that it could be a release from suffering.

Life goes on, of course. And everyone deals with grief in their own way. My dad spent that summer putting a bay window in the kitchen of my parent's home. My mom spent a lot of time in Jonesboro, cooking for Tom and the kids, and trying to keep their life as normal as possible. I remember going to daily Mass a lot, it was a comfort to me, and I had my friends to lean on. My own family never knew Clare, I met Terry about 2 years after she died, and of course my kids only know her from photos. Emily has her middle name, and I like that. Every time I have to call her by her full name, I smile, knowing that her namesake was just as spunky. Probably never a rule breaker like Emily, but certainly full of ambitions and dreams.

Frank and Carly are now young adults and it makes me proud to see all they have accomplished. I can see so much of her in them, and it never ceases to amaze me. Frank was recently engaged and I look forward to sharing that special day with him. Carly just graduated from college and is starting out on a new path as well. I don't get to see them as often as I would like, but when I do, it is like time never passed.

This morning after swim team I got out these old pictures and the kids were enthralled when I told them the stories behind them. Sophie is old enough to have some grasp of death, but sweet Michael asked me incredulously, "You mean she's dead, and she'll be dead forever?? Oh NO!" Nothing like a child's innocence to cut right to the heart of the matter.

These pictures are just some of the happy times of her life, they made me smile, and I hope they make you smile too.

From left: Clare, Mary, Peg and me. This photo wasn't dated, but I look to be about 2 years old, which would make Peg 11, Mary 12 and Clare 14. I'm betting this was Easter Sunday, we were living in Pompton Plains, NJ at the time.



Again this photo is also undated, but if Michael was about a year old, then I was 7, which would make my brother Bill (far right)10, and Clare would be 19. The year would be around 1972. I do remember driving down to Glassboro with my parents to take her to college. I thought going away to college was so glamorous. Years later when I was away at school and she was a young mother with 2 toddlers she wrote me often, sent a few dollars, pictures from the kids and cookies whenever she got the chance.



Dancing with our father at her wedding to Tom Aquino, February 24, 1979. I remember so many details about that day vividly. The fact that it was sleeting, and the reception hall had antlers on one wall, which turned out to be right above she and Tom in the family photo that was taken. My 3 sisters and all their very large hair....and me in my braces and huge glasses walking down the aisle at Holy Spirit in our rose dresses that they had made by hand. The arguments between us about the fabric and pattern choices. And we did it all again 3 years later when Mary got married.

I'm not sure if this was taken in NJ or GA, seems like it would be GA. Carly looks about 5, which would make Frank 10. Probably about 1991. Tom and Clare moved down to Jonesboro when Tom changed jobs. It was nice to have them closer, just an hour away from my parents and me.


This was is definitely in Ga, it's dated February 1993. We were at one of Frank's basketball games, and Peg and I had made signs on grocery bags saying GO FRANK!!, anything to gain attention. I think Clare was trying to start the wave in this picture. She had been diagnosed already and was going through treatment, but this must have been during remission. I love the smile on her face.


This is one of my all time favorite pictures of her and Carly. This is at Car's First Communion, and now I know what this day meant to Clare. So many emotions, and more so given what was going on with her. I remember helping her plan the party, and going into Publix a week or so before to order the tray of cannolis. She was adamant that they be authentic...or as authentic a cannoli that you can get in Jonesboro, GA. The dress she made for Carly was a labor of love. My mother recently told me how she changed the pattern the way she wanted it, and added details that weren't originally there.

Now that I am a wife and mother, and now that I am in my 40's, I understand so much more. At 28, someone who was 41 seemed to have lived a life already. Now I know that her life was well lived, but it was not long enough.

Sophie's First Communion

Yesterday was a wonderful day. So many times you can be disappointed with a day that you have been looking forward to for a long time. There was none of that yesterday...at all. From the moving Mass where Sophie received Jesus for the first time, to the party afterward; it was a truly wonderful day.

I found myself worrying about the details in the days leading up to it, that is typical for me. I stayed up late on Friday night to make sure all the little things were taken care of. Mary was here helping me, and I could not have pulled it off without her. Or without Terry. He is not only incredibly helpful in so many ways, but he is always there to reassure me and calm me down when I start to panic. He can see the big picture so much better than I can at times.

So many people were able to be with us and make the day extra special. Even Sophie's teacher came, which honestly, was the highlight of the guest list for her. It is all she talked about in the days leading up Saturday, and it even inspired her to keep her room clean. It goes to show what an influence a child's teacher can have on them. Knowing that her teacher is Catholic and knew all about First Communion had a huge impact on her understanding of the sacrament, and how universal it is. Thank you Miss McDonald!


Our friend and neighbor Rick did us an invaluable service by coming over at 8:45am to take family photos before we left for Mass. I cannot tell you what a gift this was! It totally put my mind at ease about having to try and take pictures myself, because I knew Rick got some great shots. Here's some of his work:


With me and Aunt Mary, who is Sophie's Godmother.


Below is my absolute favorite of the day, and ironically enough, it was the first photo he snapped of Sophie.

And some of my pictures taken after we got home. Note the difference!

Our great friends and neighbors Sylvia and Michel had a table for 4 with Michael and Emily.


Their son Colby is a great friend to Sophie. He also made his First Communion yesterday, and had the honor of bringing up the gifts. He did so well and looked so handsome in his jacket and tie, it brought a tear to my eye. And yes, I did get choked up presenting Sophie to Fr. Peter, Terry and I both were wiping our eyes as she received.


Sophie and her best bud Noah. He sat through the entire Mass with his mom, and was so excited to see her, it was very sweet. So glad they have remained so close all these years.

With Grandpa and Grandma Maier. My mother was a Eucharistic Minister during the Mass, which gave her a great view as each child came up to receive with their parents.

With the Gould family. Uncle Jack and Aunt Karen came home early from FL to make sure they didn't miss it. We are glad to have them back in Atlanta!

And lastly, my apologies to my mother in law Pam. She made the very early start from Peachtree City to be with us for the day, and I did not get a decent picture of her with Sophie. I am hoping she has a shot on her camera that is decent.

The Wannabe

The other morning Michael brought me Sophie's guitar and put on a show. I was wondering where he got his moves until I showed the video to Terry and he burst out laughing. He and Michael had been watching old Who videos on YouTube. I guess this is Michael's rendition of Pete Townsend. Although Pete did not have to contend with the pesky strap like Michael did...

March Madness

March is almost over, and I am really ready for Spring. I've never minded winter, especially since moving South, but am tired of being cooped up. We have had a few days where we've been able to be outside all day, and what a difference that has made. I'm hoping the change in the weather will mean a reduction in the germs we have endured this winter.

So here's some March photos, a hodgepodge of what's been going on.......

Michael and Emily helped each other dress up this morning, Michael was the tooth fairy with two skirts no less, and Emily was Princess Corinne of Barbie and the Three Musketeers fame. They also set up Emily's room for a show, complete with chairs for the stuffed animal audience, and a special pillow for me, their only live guest.


They started swim lessons (which they call swim school, as opposed to land school) about a month ago. This is their first time in lessons and they are doing well. With naptime gone, our pool time will increase this summer in a big way, and I wanted them both to be more secure and independent in the water before that happened.





Sunday afternoon we dyed Easter Eggs, and after the first 12, we hard boiled 6 more since we couldn't bear to waste all that perfectly good dye.....



My brother Bill was in town last week and was able to spend some time with us. It was a shame my kids were so shy and reticent with him though.....

Emily's invention, when the eggs are all done, why not dye toothpicks? Then let them dry and cut out little squares to attach to each one to make flags. This one project kept her occupied the rest of the day.

Strep in the Magic Tree House

This winter has really knocked us out with illness. Nothing major or life threatening, but bad enough to receive the "your child has missed 10 days of school and we may have a social worker contact you" letter. Since Christmas there have been only a few weeks where I haven't had someone home sick. Strep has been the major culprit. I try to roll with it, and adjust my plans to whatever the morning brings, but sometimes it just pisses me off. (my apologies to my mother) I had my entire week planned last week, each day with a list of chores to complete, a couple of days volunteering at both schools. All canceled. Sophie was home on Mon and Tues with allergies. Wed they were all at school, but it was early release. Thurs and Friday both girls were home with strep. Big sigh. Big pity party for me.

It finally hit me....I can't control this so I may as well enjoy it. So what if I have loads of laundry to do, the house is a disaster, I have no idea what is for dinner, and I can write my name in the dust in the bedrooms? My kids won't be sick (or young) forever, so I should enjoy them while I can. Living in the moment is so much better than planning your life away anyway, right? So on Thursday when the test came back positive for both Sophie and Emily, I told them we could have a "spa day" in the morning while Michael was at school. They loved it, and I loved seeing them having fun, even though neither was feeling well. It was a much more enjoyable morning than if I had tried to get a bunch of stuff done, all the while trying to keep them busy and away from me.




One of the plans that we had made was to go to a book signing on Friday night. Mary Pope Osborne was signing (well, really stamping since her hand and wrist surgery) her latest book in The Magic Treehouse series. Sophie discovered them last year and loves the series. The books are about a brother and sister, Jack and Annie, who travel back in time to help historical characters with their dilemmas. I was hesitant about her going, but she really had her heart set on it, so we went. (She had taken two days of antibiotics by this point, so she wasn't contagious anymore...or so I told myself...) I wasn't jazzed about going either, all I wanted to do was get the kids to bed and have some time to unwind. Again, just go with it...we went with friends and saw even more friends there. It was great to see 200+ kids all excited about reading and meeting an author. I enjoyed the message she gave to the children, which was that she had 7 drafts for her first book rejected before it was finally published. On the way home I tried not to hammer that into Sophie, but couldn't resist commenting on how glad I was that she kept trying, or we wouldn't have 43 Magic Treehouse books to read.



The girls are both much better today....and I am hopeful for this coming week, although the nurse did joke with me as we were leaving the pediatrician on Thursday afternoon. His parting shot was, "Bye Mrs. Gould, we'll see you next week with Michael." That is just wrong on so many levels....